plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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