Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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