I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
