what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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