Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
