can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
