I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Acid is not a monday night drug
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
