new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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