were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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