Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
