That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
