just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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