I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My vagina is officially offended.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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