i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My pussy is not your playground.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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