These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
