I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
