Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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