Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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