I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
