Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
