I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
