i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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