i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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