I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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