Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
