My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
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It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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