somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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