I met the friendliest cop last night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
