so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
