I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
