JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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