The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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