I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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