I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
