once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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