if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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