My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
