guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I AM VODKA MAN
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
