Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
