It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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