I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
