I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Is Oprah even human
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
