I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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