nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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