I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
