sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
