I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
