boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
