yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
