my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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