I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
