I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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