when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
