my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
