how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
