Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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