I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
