Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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