i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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