How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
